Why Do We Hurt Each Other, Even When We Love?

為什麼明明相愛，卻要互相傷害？

Stepping out this morning, on my way to catch a coach to the airport, I came across an elderly couple struggling with their luggage. The old lady was grumbling incessantly, "Why aren't you pulling your own luggage? I don't want to pull yours; I want to pull mine!" Her husband, looking helpless, replied, "My bag is lighter. And your suitcase wheel is broken; it's hard to pull!"

早上出門準備搭客運去機場，路上遇到一對拖著行李的老夫妻。老太太一路上碎念著：「為什麼你不拖自己的行李？我不要拖你的，我要拖我自己的啦！」老爺爺無奈地回她：「我的行李比較輕。而且你的行李箱的輪子壞了，不好拖啊！」

This seemingly ordinary exchange perfectly illustrates a common dilemma in human relationships: Why do we sometimes unintentionally hurt each other, even when we love? This elderly couple's conversation highlights how care and communication skills are inextricably linked. The husband likely meant well, but his way of expressing it made his wife feel misunderstood, or even complained about. When care isn't conveyed correctly, it often backfires, creating rifts in relationships—be it between spouses, parents and children, lovers, or even friends and colleagues.

這看似尋常的對話，卻真實地揭示了人際關係中一個常見的困境：為什麼明明相愛，卻有時會不經意地互相傷害？這對老夫妻的對話，正是關懷與溝通技巧密不可分的最佳寫照。老爺爺的本意可能是體諒老太太，但他的表達方式卻讓老太太感到不被理解，甚至覺得對方在抱怨。當關愛的方法不對，往往會適得其反，不論是夫妻、親子、戀人，甚至是朋友或工作夥伴關係，都可能因此產生裂痕。

We often assume that "love" means giving and doing what's best for someone, but we overlook that "how we give" is equally crucial. Many times, our intentions are good, but due to a lack of effective communication skills, we inadvertently make the other person feel pressured, criticized, or disrespected.

我們常常以為「愛」就是付出，就是為對方好，卻忽略了「如何付出」同樣重要。許多時候，我們的出發點是好的，但因為缺乏有效的溝通技巧，反而讓對方感受到壓力、指責或不被尊重。

Effective Communication for True Care

正確關愛的溝通方法

So, how can we avoid these "good intentions gone wrong" scenarios and ensure our care is truly felt by the other person?

那麼，我們該如何避免這種「好心卻辦壞事」的情況，讓關愛真正被對方感受到呢？

Empathy: See Things from Their Perspective

同理心：從對方的角度出發

Before expressing care, try to imagine the other person's feelings and needs. Like the old lady in the story, she might not just want to pull her own luggage; she might also need to feel autonomous and respected. Before speaking, take a moment to think: "If I were them, how would I think? How would I feel?"

在表達關懷之前，試著想像對方的感受和需求。就像故事中的老太太，她可能不只是想拖自己的行李，更需要感受到自主權和被尊重。在開口前，花點時間思考：「如果我是他/她，我會怎麼想？我會怎麼感受？」

Clearly State Your Intentions: Let Your Love Be Seen

清晰表達意圖：讓愛被看見

Many misunderstandings stem from others not understanding our true intentions. Instead of letting them guess, directly state your good intentions. The husband could have said, "Honey, your suitcase wheel is broken, which makes it hard to pull. Let me help you carry some of it; I want to lighten your load." When we clearly express our concern and initial desire to help, the other person is more likely to feel our love.

許多誤會來自於對方無法理解我們的真實意圖。與其讓對方猜測，不如直接說出你的好意。老爺爺可以這樣說：「親愛的，你的行李箱輪子壞了，這樣不好拖，讓我來幫你分擔一點，我想減輕你的負擔。」當我們清楚表達關心與幫助的初衷，對方更能感受到愛意。

Offer Choices and Respect Autonomy

給予選擇與尊重自主權

Even when offering care, provide the other person with choices. Try asking for their opinion instead of making decisions for them directly. You could say, "Which of these two bags would you prefer to pull? Or maybe I can pull the heavier one for you?" This way, you express care while respecting their wishes.

即使是關懷，也應給予對方選擇的空間。試著詢問對方的意見，而不是直接替對方做決定。你可以說：「你看，這兩個行李箱哪個你比較想拖？或者我來幫你拖比較重的那個？」這樣既表達了關心，也尊重了對方的意願。

Express Gratitude and Affirmation

表達感謝與肯定

Whether giving care or receiving help, remember to express thanks. When someone does something for us, a sincere "Thank you" makes them feel appreciated. When we give, seeing their gratitude makes our efforts more meaningful.

無論是給予關懷或接受幫助，都要記得表達感謝。當對方為我們付出時，一句真誠的「謝謝你」能讓對方感受到被肯定；當我們付出時，看到對方的感謝也能讓付出變得更有意義。

Avoid Blame and Complaints

避免指責與抱怨

When communicating, use "I" statements to express your feelings and needs, rather than accusatory "you" statements. For example, instead of saying, "Why do you always...", try, "When...happens, I feel..." Going back to the elderly couple's example, if the husband had immediately complained about the broken wheel, it would have made his wife feel criticized.

溝通時，多使用「我」開頭的句子，表達自己的感受和需求，而非「你」開頭的指責。例如，與其說「你為什麼總是…」，不如說「當…的時候，我感覺到…」。回到老夫妻的例子，老爺爺如果一開始就抱怨輪子壞了，反而會讓老太太覺得被批評。

Care is an expression of love, and communication is the bridge that carries that love. When we learn to express care more wisely and empathetically, we can not only avoid unnecessary misunderstandings and hurt but also strengthen our relationships with love. Have you ever turned care into a burden due to poor communication?

關懷是愛的表現，而溝通則是傳遞這份愛的橋樑。當我們學會用更智慧、更同理的方式去表達關懷時，我們不僅能避免不必要的誤解和傷害，更能讓彼此的關係因為愛而更加堅韌與美好。你是否也曾因為溝通不良而讓關懷變成了負擔？