開啟理解的魔法鑰匙：「我訊息」 / 當代的溝通藝術

A Magic Key to Better Relationships: The Power of "I-Statements" / Contemporary Art of Communication

在日常生活中，我們與親密伴侶或家人之間，常因家務分配等瑣事而產生爭執。許多人習慣使用帶有指責意味的「你訊息」（You-statements），例如「你都不幫忙！」，這往往會讓對方感到被攻擊，進而引發防禦和反擊。

In our daily lives, it’s common for disputes to arise with our partners or family members over seemingly small things, like household chores. Many people instinctively use accusatory "you-statements," such as "You never help out!" This often makes the other person feel attacked, leading to defensiveness and counter-arguments.

然而，有一種更有效的溝通技巧，能夠化解這種僵局，那就是「我訊息」（I-statements）。「我訊息」是一種溫和的溝通方式，它將表達的焦點從「指責對方」轉向「陳述自己的感受和需求」，讓對方更容易傾聽與理解，因為他們不會感覺到威脅或批評。

However, there is a far more effective communication technique that can diffuse these tensions: "I-statements." This is a gentler approach that shifts the focus from blaming the other person to stating your own feelings and needs. It encourages your partner to listen because they don't feel threatened or criticized.

我兩個孩子還在上幼稚園時，我是個單親爸爸，除了工作賺錢，還得獨自一人負責接送孩子、煮飯、打掃等各種家務。有一天，女兒抱怨：「你都不陪我們玩！」

When my two children were in kindergarten, I was a single father. Besides working, I had to handle all the daily chores by myself: school runs, cooking, cleaning, and laundry. One day, my daughter complained, "You never play with us!"

我當時心裡想：「你們都不幫忙，我一個人忙東忙西，當然沒空陪你們玩！」但我忍住了。我冷靜下來反思，發現自己從未主動請他們幫忙，好像也不能完全怪他們。

My immediate thought was, "You guys don’t help, and I’m busy doing everything by myself, so of course, I don’t have time to play!" But I held back. I calmly reflected and realized I had never actually asked them for help. Perhaps it wasn't fair to blame them for "never helping."

於是我對女兒說：「爸爸有好多事情還沒做完。我也很想陪你們玩。我很需要你們幫忙，我就可以早點做完事情，然後陪你們了。」

So I told her, "Daddy has so many things to finish. I really want to play with you. I need your help, so I can finish faster and then play with you."

從那天開始，我們開始分配家務。晚餐後，我洗碗，女兒擦桌子、用吸塵器，兒子則收折衣服。我們一邊完成家務，一邊聊天，然後我一邊陪他們寫功課，一邊準備工作簡報。即使有時功課多到無法「一起玩」，但我們始終「一起」完成了許多事情。

From that day on, we started a chore system. After dinner, I would wash the dishes, my daughter would wipe the table and vacuum, and my son would fold the laundry. We would chat while working, and I would then help them with their homework while also preparing for my own work presentations. Even on days when we had no time for "playing together," we were always "together," accomplishing many things as a team.

將「你們都不幫忙」轉換成「我很需要你們幫忙」。透過這種「我訊息」的溝通方式，清晰地表達了感受、需求和具體請求，而非直接指責。這不僅軟化了溝通的開端，也降低了對方的防禦心，讓他們更願意合作。這個技巧正是「軟化啟動」（Softened Startup）的基礎，是改善親密關係對話的關鍵一步。

Changing "You never help" to "I need your help" is a powerful example of an "I-statement." This approach clearly expresses your feelings, needs, and a specific request instead of a direct accusation. It not only softens the beginning of a conversation but also lowers the other person's guard, making them more willing to cooperate. This technique is the foundation of a "Softened Startup," a crucial step in improving communication in any close relationship.